Second Thoughts
“The N.R.A. is not going to let people lose the Second Amendment in this country.”Thomas Jefferson: Gentlemen, a thought has occurred to me regarding the Second Amendment.
—The N.R.A. chief Wayne LaPierre
James Madison: Fine amendment.
Alexander Hamilton: Superb amendment. Can’t believe we left that out of the first draft.
Jefferson: Yes, my fellow land-owning framers, but are we perhaps not forward-thinking enough? What if, perchance, we someday develop a rifle that, instead of firing one bullet per sixty ticks of the clock’s second hand, has the inverse effect—unloading sixty rounds per second through the power of machinery? Might it not fall into the hands of a town madman?
Madison: Should such a potent “machinery gun” ever come into being and somehow not exceed the cost of an entire militia, a town madman would be refused sale from any responsible merchant because of his agitated demeanor.
Hamilton: Hear, hear. Let us repair to the drawing room for a spirited game of dice. Who will roll the highest tally? Huzzah! Whoop! Fizzing! No more capital divertissement shall ever be created, just as my vernacular exclamations of joy will never become obsolete!
Jefferson: Not to flog a deceased equine, but let us suggest that man, with his infinite intellect, invents a series of machines, interconnected to one another, as if caught in a net, to purchase goods. Could our town madman procure arms more easily through clandestine means by buying them on this “interconnected net”?
Madison: Nay, for this hypothetical “interconnected net” would not debase itself as a mercenary marketplace, but instead provide a forum for only the most enlightened minds of the day to comment on scholarly works, and on previous comments, in a virtuous cycle of belletristic discourse. The scenario you envision for the “interconnected net” is as unlikely as its serving as an emporium for free daguerreotypes of semi-nude portraiture!
Hamilton: Moreover, our future physiognomists will surely improve at identifying those prone to madness, and they will be cured by our finest physicians with advances in leeches. Enough prattle; who desires to trade wigs?
Jefferson: But, two centuries from now, could not the tools of warfare progress so far beyond cavalry that arms will be woefully insufficient defense against a tyrant’s militia, such that guns would simply be inflicted by the citizenry against itself?
Hamilton: What, Jefferson, do you expect horses to be attached to some contraption that soars above the ground with the fearsome appendage of a cannon? Somebody send Revere to alert Franklin—he’ll attempt to patent this chimera! William Dunlap shall pen a stage play entitled “Top Rider of a Mechanical Flying Warhorse That Bombards Enemies with Cannonballs”!
Madison: Besides, such a firearm you describe would be employed solely by hunters to quintuple their productivity in acquiring healthful red meat along with beaver pelts for the increasingly cold winters.
Hamilton: And if there ever arises a need for an association to oversee our nation’s rifles, I am certain it will be led by men like us, our country’s most rational minds making sound arguments based on impeccable logic and selfless empathy.
Madison: Remember, Jefferson: muskets don’t kill colonists-turned-Americans; colonists-turned-Americans kill colonists-turned-Americans. If you wish to outlaw anything, it should be something an aggressor can easily and repeatedly employ in a rampage: the lethal bayonet.
Hamilton: Not to mention the violence inspired by the daily broadsheets, children’s wooden blocks, and sonnet cycles. Indeed, only town fools would seek to retroactively amend us. Who, for example, can imagine a civilized state whose disputes are resolved without gentlemen’s duels?
Jefferson: Aye, I suppose you are correct. I am retiring for the night, secure in the knowledge that we have composed an unimpeachable document whose every directive will remain as relevant in the future as it is in 1789. Now, please send for my pipe, filled with our country’s most important crop, which I, like all our yeoman-farmer statesmen, personally grow: glorious hemp. And then have my bed fluffed by that obedient sixteen-year-old girl, Sally.
Madison: Should such a potent “machinery gun” ever come into being and somehow not exceed the cost of an entire militia, a town madman would be refused sale from any responsible merchant because of his agitated demeanor.
Hamilton: Hear, hear. Let us repair to the drawing room for a spirited game of dice. Who will roll the highest tally? Huzzah! Whoop! Fizzing! No more capital divertissement shall ever be created, just as my vernacular exclamations of joy will never become obsolete!
Jefferson: Not to flog a deceased equine, but let us suggest that man, with his infinite intellect, invents a series of machines, interconnected to one another, as if caught in a net, to purchase goods. Could our town madman procure arms more easily through clandestine means by buying them on this “interconnected net”?
Madison: Nay, for this hypothetical “interconnected net” would not debase itself as a mercenary marketplace, but instead provide a forum for only the most enlightened minds of the day to comment on scholarly works, and on previous comments, in a virtuous cycle of belletristic discourse. The scenario you envision for the “interconnected net” is as unlikely as its serving as an emporium for free daguerreotypes of semi-nude portraiture!
Hamilton: Moreover, our future physiognomists will surely improve at identifying those prone to madness, and they will be cured by our finest physicians with advances in leeches. Enough prattle; who desires to trade wigs?
Jefferson: But, two centuries from now, could not the tools of warfare progress so far beyond cavalry that arms will be woefully insufficient defense against a tyrant’s militia, such that guns would simply be inflicted by the citizenry against itself?
Hamilton: What, Jefferson, do you expect horses to be attached to some contraption that soars above the ground with the fearsome appendage of a cannon? Somebody send Revere to alert Franklin—he’ll attempt to patent this chimera! William Dunlap shall pen a stage play entitled “Top Rider of a Mechanical Flying Warhorse That Bombards Enemies with Cannonballs”!
Madison: Besides, such a firearm you describe would be employed solely by hunters to quintuple their productivity in acquiring healthful red meat along with beaver pelts for the increasingly cold winters.
Hamilton: And if there ever arises a need for an association to oversee our nation’s rifles, I am certain it will be led by men like us, our country’s most rational minds making sound arguments based on impeccable logic and selfless empathy.
Madison: Remember, Jefferson: muskets don’t kill colonists-turned-Americans; colonists-turned-Americans kill colonists-turned-Americans. If you wish to outlaw anything, it should be something an aggressor can easily and repeatedly employ in a rampage: the lethal bayonet.
Hamilton: Not to mention the violence inspired by the daily broadsheets, children’s wooden blocks, and sonnet cycles. Indeed, only town fools would seek to retroactively amend us. Who, for example, can imagine a civilized state whose disputes are resolved without gentlemen’s duels?
Jefferson: Aye, I suppose you are correct. I am retiring for the night, secure in the knowledge that we have composed an unimpeachable document whose every directive will remain as relevant in the future as it is in 1789. Now, please send for my pipe, filled with our country’s most important crop, which I, like all our yeoman-farmer statesmen, personally grow: glorious hemp. And then have my bed fluffed by that obedient sixteen-year-old girl, Sally.
Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2013/01/the-founding-fathers-have-second-thoughts-about-the-second-amendment.html?printable=true#ixzz2H8QeiBxu
No comments:
Post a Comment